Icon of the Indecisive Read online

  Icon of the Indecisive

  Interim Goddess of Love #3

  Mina V. Esguerra

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © Mina V. Esguerra, 2013

  Contact the author:

  [email protected]

  http://minavesguerra.com

  Cover art for this edition designed by Tania Arpa

  Photography by Rhea Bue

  Included in this edition: Gifted Little Creatures, an Interim Goddess of Love short story

  Icon of the Indecisive

  Well, that was disappointing.

  What is it with these big budget movies based on novels that they can't just leave an original ending alone? Who cares if it's not cinematic? The point of the entire novel is that Arturo (the sun god) sacrifices his own happiness so Anna Rosa can live a normal life. She's human and young and NOT EQUIPPED to deal with that kind of immortal love, and he knows it. So they don't have a grand happily ever after in the end—who cares? We know he loves her, even when she's old and wrinkly, and will love her long after, like forever. That made me cry.

  So in the movie—a wedding? What the hell.

  Krista Garcia, blogging at Chic and into Flicks

  Chapter 1

  If a problem cannot be defined, it cannot be solved—or, at least, it cannot be efficiently solved—because confusion over the nature of the problem can obscure attempts to provide solutions. (Systemic Risk, Steven L. Schwarcz)

  He has returned! It is unexpected. I am overcome with joy. After everyone telling me that I will not survive the wait, it is over! Take that, everyone.

  But now that I am holding him, caressing his shoulder, tasting his tears, I realize that it's not over.

  Already he is withering, not the Quin I know him to be. First of all, the tears, which I never thought came so freely to him. And in our embrace, the only place where he allows himself to lower his guard, I sense his defeat. It is all around him, hovering. I hope he recovers.

  "Hello," he says, like it's nothing.

  "Are you going back out there?" I ask.

  "Yes, but there's been an unexpected truce. I came as soon as I could."

  "I'm glad," I say, and I kiss him.

  It happened again. Ugh.

  For the nth consecutive time, I woke up minutes ahead of my own alarm clock, even though I thought hearing it was what jolted me awake. I used to like it, thinking I was getting a bonus three minutes or so, but I got over it. Now I felt cheated—give me my sleep!

  Just like the previous days, I spent my non-bonus minutes looking up at the ceiling of my room at my aunt's house. I took a long and deep breath, wondering what was in store for the Interim Goddess of Love that day.

  That was me. While the Original Goddess of Love was hiding under a rock (I didn't know where, only that she was missing), humble college student Hannah Maquiling was in training to solve the love problems of the world. Yeah, the very same girl complaining about waking up a little too early.

  Look, I was getting better at this. I had learned to see into someone's memories of love just by touching them (I used to need to actually have a conversation). And my advice wasn't just empty words—I could, with a thought, get someone to actually do it. So far, one person at a time, and only those near me, but it was a start. But I had minions. Well, I had people who were devoted to me, meaning they'd actually do something if I asked—because I had once helped them when they asked. Very helpful when I needed rides to places or change for a hundred, but not exactly an army I could command.

  Original Goddess had like several thousand years of a head start, so forgive me if I could only do so much in nine months.

  I peeked at my round pink alarm clock and saw that I had thirty seconds left. By the third day I looked up if there was some psychological condition covering this too-early-for-the-alarmness, and found an actual study on it. Turned out, the study's subjects that thought they had woken up before their alarm only thought there were awake—but were really in a stage of sleep. The machines hooked up to their brains said so.

  Am I even awake right now? I am, I so am.

  Awake, and anxious. All this week, this waking up thing had been annoying me. And with each day, some unnamed dread was growing. What was it? Did I have a quiz? Some project I didn't prepare for?

  If this is your test, Vida, it's lame. Annoying and lame.

  The Goddess of the Moon, currently in this world as college senior Vida Castillo, didn't like that I got the Interim Goddess role. She spent most of last year intimidating me, questioning my worth, and finally last week she showed up at my house and said... Something like she was going to test me...

  I didn't really remember all of it. But I did remember that she said she was going to test me, but since then there had been no tests. Just spontaneous awakening. Which I could handle, no problem.

  Then I started hearing the songs. A thought popped into my head. Not mine, but one of those thoughts of love that other people had, thinking they were sending it to no one in particular. I actually got those, mystically beamed into my head, carried by something that resembled a song.

  I started hearing many little songs. More than the usual.

  This particular thought said, "He still has time to ask me out. It's Valentine's Day, after all."

  Oh for crap's sake.

  My alarm clock started ringing but I hid my head under the pillow. On a regular day at school I got "does he like me what if she doesn't like me" over and over, from nearly everyone as it was. What would Valentine's Day be like?

  "You're wearing red."

  I loved that voice. Even when it was stating the obvious. I smiled as I stepped through the pedestrian entrance to Ford River College and said hi to Joaquin Apolinario, senior, graduating, captain of varsity basketball, also the being worshipped as the God of the Sun of the Tagalogs, technically my people.

  "I meant to get my black shirt, not sure how this happened," I said. "We would have matched."

  We would have. We'd be cute but totally solemn, and we'd look great together, if he were into me. All evidence was pointing to "no."

  Sigh.

  "What's up?" I asked, surprised that he fell into step beside me.

  "Nothing."

  I had a psych textbook with me and hugged it because I needed something to do with my suddenly-restless arms. Quin, I should say, wasn't a "nothing" sort of guy. He was always with purpose, very leaderly, and I didn't believe that he was just walking to my locker with me on Valentine's Day for nothing at all. Especially since the last time we really talked was right after I had defied one of his direct orders (stay away from someone).

  "All right," Quin said. "It's not nothing. I want to help you today."

  "With what?"

  "It's your first February 14 as interim goddess. You might get overwhelmed with... feelings."

  "You don't think I can handle it?"

  He picked the book out of my arms in one easy movement, meaning to be helpful, but suddenly I had nowhere to hide. "It's not about what you can or can't do... I just want to help."

  Without meaning to, I took the path that would cut across the open field, and we pretty much just walked right through the middle of the school. Quin, in black and jeans, most popular guy on campus, and me, in a Look At Me on Valentine's Day red top. Everyone turned to watch. They did that for him, because he was tall and popular and just so teen heartthrob handsome, but they were starting to do that for me, by association.

  Walking through it was strange, in another way. I felt like I was
walking through a noisy crowd, except the noise had texture to it too. Feelings, memories, love-related fears reaching out to me. Wanting to be noticed. Wanting the attention of the goddess.

  "I didn't get to tell you," Quin was saying, "that you handled yourself very well, when you dealt with that guy."

  When I nearly singlehandedly took care of a potential threat to the gods, he meant. My best friend Sol's then-boyfriend Neil had somehow developed the ability to command people—even gods—to follow his bidding. But I stopped him, despite being told by Quin to keep my distance.

  "You're welcome," I said, letting a little giggle escape. "I didn't hear a 'sorry' by the way."

  He smiled. It looked genuine, and he looked happy, or amused at least. "I'm so very, very sorry I doubted you, Hannah."

  "I forgive you," I said. "I think I'm going to have a busy day today and I appreciate any help, Quin."

  We stopped in front of my locker, and I heard a plea that I couldn't ignore.

  I really miss him. This day sucks. I should have stayed at home.

  I still looked at nearby people when I heard it, as if it had come from within earshot. But it didn't have to; my range for picking up these thoughts was growing, and it could have been from anywhere on campus.

  Quin heard it too.

  "What do you want her to do?" he asked me.

  I paused. "I want her to remember that today is just another day, and she has friends who'd love to spend time with her tonight, and they'll have a blast."

  That was how the Goddess of Love worked. Your heart's song summoned her, and she would tell it what to do and how to feel. I was still learning how to do it over distance and without actually seeing the person I was doing it to, but for veteran gods this was easy. Quin was training me to do it though, and training for Quin was a slow and tedious process that didn't allow for shortcuts.

  But that moment, he very gently reached for my wrist, and the quick tap of his skin against mine sent my intentions right where they were supposed to go. His touch worked like a divine amplifier, and I didn't need to work so hard. Shortcut.

  "Isn't that cheating?" I said.

  "You're not on training today," he said. "Plus you know there will be more. Don't want you exhausted."

  You're kidding me right?

  I shook my head and basked in this rare show of care. "I really don't."

  Chapter 2

  I can't believe he likes her. She's so fake!

  Quin held out his arm and I touched it, sort of gave it a curved swish with my finger, and my response to that message for the Goddess of Love was sent right through the cosmos. Or at least up the classroom four rows behind me.

  Yeah, this was the second class of mine today that Quin sat in on, taking the seat beside me, making sure he was within reach as the Goddess received pleas and responded to her people. The thoughts were coming every few minutes, and I pretty much gave up on learning anything that day. I could barely keep up with listening to the teacher, taking notes, listening to a love plea, thinking of a response to it, and then sending it out through Quin.

  And touching his skin a lot.

  That was fun. I tried a bunch of ways to do it, to avoid boredom. I tapped. Drummed my fingertips. Swished with my index finger. Bumped with my knuckles. Flicked with my pinkie. Drew a check on his forearm. Hey, I'd had this unrequited thing for him for over a year, could not be blamed for taking advantage.

  Since he was a senior (and a god) and these classes were of no use to him, he doodled. On a single slip of paper he bummed off the guy in front of him, using a pencil, the only school item he had with him.

  He drew trees. And birds. And what looked like delicate female hands. The way he drew them reminded me of shadows.

  It's my birthday and I don't think he's going to greet me. I hope he greets me.

  He heard that too and bumped his bare elbow to mine, and my response Happy birthday, you look beautiful bumped right out and landed where it should, somewhere in the hallway, where a fussy college girl was thinking too much and too loudly.

  This was what Ford River's students thought about. I thought I would be surprised, but I guess I shouldn't be. Teenagers everywhere were probably having the exact same thoughts. To another person it would sound shallow and selfish, so many didn't say what they really felt. They exaggerated it for some people, downplayed it for others, but admitted the truth only to the Goddess.

  Yeah, it all sounded selfish, and shallow, and petty, and unreasonable... but when these thoughts bounced around unresolved for too long they became more trouble for everyone. Rejected. Again. Why do I bother?

  That was really near. It was coming from Raph, just two seats away from Quin on our row, and we both looked in his direction. I worked with him in a group assignment once. He seemed like the slacker type, couldn't even be bothered to check his email. He obviously had other worries.

  I came up with this: You're going to find someone who enjoys everything about you. Be patient. And then I sort of raised my pinkie finger to be cute but Quin was reaching toward me already, and... Fingers. Tangled.

  And then he half-smiled.

  What. Is. Going. On.

  Chapter 3

  "Have lunch with me," Quin said.

  That wasn't headline news. Quin and I hung out, he "trained" me to do goddess work nearly every day, and that always included a meal after. Or maybe I was just spooked by what today was, but I was seriously considering which Tagalog mythological figure could shapeshift. Did Quin want to hang out with me this much before? I couldn't remember.

  I was going to joke about it, but then bit my tongue and kept it in. Why tempt fate?

  "Sure," I said instead, "Let me just leave this in my locker first."

  We walked together, all casual, to the same spot we had just come from hours earlier, but this time when I opened it, a red envelope fell into my hands.

  Dear Hannah,

  I was reading up on risk for my exam this week, realized that I needed to take one myself. It made me think of how afraid I was to call certain things by name because it might expose what I've been thinking.

  But screw that. I'll start.

  I like it when we hang out, just the two of us. I think our DATES are really fun.

  I would like to be your BOYFRIEND.

  I hope you would consider agreeing to be called my GIRLFRIEND.

  Happy Valentine's Day. I know you have plans tonight with Sol, but how about going out on a DATE with me tomorrow?

  Robbie

  P.S. This is a LOVE LETTER.

  The thing about having the power of the Goddess of Love: I knew things. I knew what people were thinking and feeling, if it was related to love, and if they were open enough to share it. They didn't know they were sharing it with Hannah, sophomore Psych major. They were just beaming those feelings out onto the universe without knowing who was listening.

  I was. So I knew this. I knew Robbie Carlos, very cute, very nice, very human, junior Applied Math major, felt this way about me. He might not have felt like he was risking anything before, but every time he went near me it was like he was holding out his heart, even though he had no idea what I'd do with it. I could have torn it up, and some days I knew he did feel that way, but he was still at it. He was still trying.

  That was braver than me and I had actual power over things.

  I did a normal thing, I guess. I blushed. My face turned really warm, and my stomach fluttered in a happy way, and I coughed and tried to hide it from Quin who was right there watching it happen.

  I stuffed the letter in my bag, probably creasing it several times over, and then said I was ready to go.

  "So are you going out with him tomorrow?" Quin asked, twenty seconds later.

  "Seriously. Did I give up privacy when I agreed to this goddess gig?"

  "Huge handwriting," he said. "But yeah, I think you should see him. You really will learn a lot about how people love from experiencing his feelings firsthand."

  "Ugh, stop."


  "It's true." He wasn't kidding! His face was totally not kidding. Quin didn't kid.

  "I know, but stop being icky about this. He's not an experiment."

  "Hannah," Quin said, smoothly stepping around a study group sitting in a circle in the middle of the hallway (that was annoying of them, by the way), "you know that this will happen to you. A lot. Something about us attracts people to us, even though they don't need us for anything. You're experiencing this now, and you'll just have to get used to it."

  I of course had this all plotted in my mind already. Quin and I both knew for a while now that Robbie liked me, but he hadn't done anything as obvious as this yet.

  This sounded horrible, but I was hoping for an obvious moment like this so I could shove in Quin's face just how desirable I was.

  And Quin would go, "I'm sorry. Here's a sunbeam. And a diamond ring. It's always been you, Hannah."

  Since becoming Interim Goddess, I'd been having dreams with Quin in it. As the Sun God. I mean, he didn't look like this college boy in front of me, but I just knew it was him. Something about the way he spoke, the words he said. It occurred to me that I was seeing him through another goddess' eyes, because this person in the dream didn't feel or look like me, and yet I was experiencing her really intimate moments with him.

  My whole "relationship" with Quin, including what might have been my first kiss ever, happened in my dreams. Pathetic.

  So of course this actual reaction to Robbie was a letdown.

  "Whether I go out with him or not is none of your business," I just said, huffing.

  This conversation thread was cut short, thankfully, because during the short walk to the cafeteria we had to respond to three calls to the Goddess. Quin helped transmit my response by nudging my elbow with his, which looked cute in theory but had become a tiny bit annoying because of what he just said.